One of those nights

I’ve been doing good. I really have. I love who I am becoming, I’m progressing, and I’m doing all the right things but, still we all have THOSE nights. Tonight is one of those nights.

A lot has happened since last I posted. A lot of growing and learning.

I’m distancing myself from people I feel drain me. I’m not drinking nearly as much as I used to and I’ve even moved to my Mom’s. I’m happy there. Though I feel bad leaving my Dad; my cousin and aunt less so.. but, still I know they are lonely and living in their own personal hells.

I guess the most important thing I learned was that I come first always. I’ve often given too much of myself and been too vulnerable around people who use that to hurt me. And I deserve to grow and be happy. And I’m allowed to be emotional, upset and have one of “those nights”.

My next few posts will be different than my past sad nightly posts. I want to write about memories, good memories in detail so when I’m old and forgetful I have these to look back on no matter how badly written haha. I’m also going to post some very needed letters to people who’ve hurt me and I’ve hurt.

“If after having been exposed to someone’s presence you feel as if you’ve lost a quart of plasma, avoid that presence. You need it like you need pernicious anemia.” – William Burroughs

Everyone Wants to go Crazy Once in Their Life

I think the only way you truly know yourself is through other people.

I’m quite shy and I wish I was someone else at times.

Someone more expressive.

Someone more exciting.

Someone loud, charismatic, and doesn’t care what people think.

Maybe the most I could hope for is to be crazy and loud. Not the good or the bad crazy. But just unapologetic crazy.

Everyone wants to be special.

Everyone wants to be different.

It takes real courage to show your true self.

And even though you might feel alone and misunderstood maybe it’d be worth it. Right?

I don’t know…

Sometimes I think the only way you get to live this life is through compromise.

Compromise your health and do those drugs.

Sure it’s not the right or the wise thing to do but maybe it’s what will make your life interesting.

And we’re always told we’re only here a short time.

You won’t end up stuck in the loop of every day trivialities of your 9-5 job and that incessant voice in your head.

I just don’t want to care so much. I want to hold on to that person I wanted to be or aspired to be when I was a kid.

Soon I’ll forget, as everyone does when they get older. Get distracted from the things they actually want to do or achieve.

At some point you get so consumed by your worries you never get to do those things you wanted to do.

I see it all the time. The dead eyed husks of human beings.

Such a sad world. Such a drag… really.

You can’t win either way can you?

Logging off,

Co

I give up

Do what you will

Douse my body with pedals

Float me down a river and burn me

Bury me

Make me in ash

I don’t care

Let me go out peacefully

and don’t let those people laugh at me

tired of living in a cloud

if you’re gonna say shit

say it now

farewell

It’s okay

don’t wanna see the light when it’s dyin

the trees skin torn from it’s limbs

raw and bare intestines

darkened by the light

once given it’s life

it’s remedy

now took

and continued taking

now a dwindled

thin and sorry body

laid down echoing it’s last breath

‘okay’

Drown

drowning

sufficating

the hand with the cloth pressing against my mouth

I seal my lips

struggling

he pulls me to the ground

pavement feels so cold, so comforting

I take my last gulp of air

giving in

I feel my spirit

lift and fall

he’s won

me..

I’m drifting out towards sea

sinking

I let the water rush in

it pools in my mouth, my eyes, my ears

in this moment

he

he has won

at last

To my sister

In labor with the second

Breaking my heart

Even deeper than she was

How does it feel?

To believe your own lies

So disconnected, so detached

Hope you get what you’re looking

You think.. maybe this will fix everything

It won’t but you hold so tightly

thinking.. why is this so difficult

why do I feel the tides pull away

I gave my everything

still leeching

he so proud and pompous

somethings off

but you say

nothing

and sit quietly like the housewife

you’ve chosen to be

idle

Song Recommendations?

Hi my 43 followers. If you’re even reading this..

What songs do you recommend? Sad songs preferably.

I just want to feel something. I like artists like Elliott Smith, Jeff Buckley, Radiohead, Alice In Chains, etc.

Thanks

Co

Pathetic

how pathetic and sad

Indulge in my self pity

in these habits

knowing what’s right

what’s wrong

so why

why do I do this

I’m weak

weak to the hedonism of my own self-loathing

pathetic

I’m tired

I’m tired of this numb

deafening feeling I carry

like a ball n chain, a old hag, a nagging wife

no release no escape of this awful vacant feeling

its so loud yet so quiet

I just want to scream, cry, hurt…. anything

It’s like a hot burning coal

cooking my insides

unable to throw it up

so it just sits there..

comfort in desolation

Written millions of times over “All the suffering in the world..” blah blah blah.

So many people feeling the same feelings..

Everyone expressing their hurt in different ways..

Just something to feel that release..

A oneness in the suffering and loneliness..

They cuddle up to the comforting feeling..

And rationalize their evening habits..